Memories
by JeanLuc761
Summary: Months after John Shepard was killed, Tali'Zorah is still grieving. After a long day at work, she allows herself to relieve a special memory from her time on the Normandy SR-1.


Tali'Zorah vas Neema walked absentmindedly through the long rows of living spaces packed in the center of the vessel. Though she had been down these corridors many times now, she still marvelled at the beautiful cloth patterns decorating the exterior of each home which served as both identification and an expression of creativity from those living within. Her room rested on the starboard side of the Neema, centered in a cluster of six.

Caught up in her thoughts, she didn't hear the young voice calling her name at first. After a few more paces, the voice rang out once more.

"Tali! It's me!"

Tali looked to her right, smiling as her eyes fell upon Tomar'Mazkuar nar Neema, a local boy of fifteen. She had become friends with him over the past weeks.

"Hello Tomar. It's good to see you."

"It's good to see you too Tali. Looks like you've had a long day."

"Keelah, yes. The damned gravity drive has been sporadic lately, creating pockets of localized zero-g all over the ship."

"Yeah, I hear that nearly five hundred tubes of nutrient paste were smashed as the gravity fluctuated. Rations are tight as is, who knows what that will do to us."

"Indeed, I hope the ramifications won't be too severe. I got the drive fixed for the time being, but it's a temporary solution. Hopefully the Quella can send us a replacement coil within the next day or two."

She suddenly grimaced as her shoulder tightened up.

"I apologize young Tomar, but I must return to my room. I injured my shoulder when the gravity re-engaged."

"Of course Tali'Zorah, Keelah Se'lai."

Tali nodded respectfully.

"Keelah Se'lai, be well."

She continued onward, the familiar purple and silver cloth she chose to adorn her entrance appearing around the corner. Pushing aside the heavy material, she entered the small cubicle. Wall to wall dimensions, in human equivalents anyway, measured 12'x12' and much of this space was filled with the necessary equipment required in each living area. The far wall contained storage cabinets, a small electric burner, a sink and a water purifier. To the right, her personal computer glowed faintly in standby mode, as did the secondary monitor above her work desk. The left wall held her bed/bureau. Unlike most quarian homes, her bed was situated in a unique fashion. The actual mattress was a three inch thick sleeping pad, specially cut to fit on top of the storage beneath it.

Above her bed was something very special; two things actually. The first was a thick, draping piece of cloth that hung off the wall. It held the same looping pattern as the cloth on her suit displayed, but the color scheme on this piece was profoundly different. She had specifically asked for it to have a dark grey back-layer, a red trim, and silver for the loops. The colors were the same used on the Normandy SR-1, the prior ship she called home. It meant a great deal to have this unique fabric as a reminder.

The other item was an illuminated news article from the Citadel. Proudly displayed on the wall, it detailed the accomplishments of the Normandy SR-1 crew in the battle against Sovereign's fleet but what made it truly special was the photograph accompanying the text. Moving closer to the bed, she allowed her eyes to wander across the image. She smiled sadly as she looked at the faces of her old friends; Liara T'soni, Urdnot Wrex, Garrus Vakarian, Ashley Williams, Joker, Dr. Chakwas...and in the middle, Shepard and herself stood proudly.

She sighed as she focused on her former commander. He was well built, though not musclebound; handsome, though not exceptionally so. To the ordinary citizen, Shepard appeared to be a very average human with an unmatched service record. What this image failed to properly depict was the energy in his eyes. Intelligent and blazing with vitality, Tali had always been stricken by how much passion and intensity they could convey. On the battlefield, they were dark, calculating, focused. Among those he cared for, they immediately brightened and held a warmth that was all-encompassing.

Tali grinned once more; in their many talks, never once had that warmth faded. She knew better than anyone that she had a tendency to ramble, usually when discussing her people or when she was nervous. Despite that, Shepard happily listened to everything she had to say, his eyes glimmering with genuine interest. She had never felt so appreciated, so...meaningful before. She missed that feeling the most. She sighed, _So many adventures, friends and memories...Keelah, I miss them all._

There was one memory though, one she refused to forget and was dearer to her than anything else. She sat down on her bed and looked at the holographic photo above her makeshift pillow. She smiled as she studied the picture shining on its surface. Glowing in full color, it was a still image of her and Shepard on the Normandy SR-1. His arm was wrapped tightly around her shoulders as they looked into the camera, genuine delight to be in each others company gleaming in their eyes. With a now familiar surge of emotion, she relaxed her body, closed her eyes, and willed herself to relive those joyous moments once again.

_Eight months ago..._

A blast of silver light illuminated the cargo bay, startling Garrus as he ran diagnostics on the recently repaired Mako. Turning to find the source, he chuckled as Wrex passively dismissed the young quarian who took the picture. Judging by his expression, he had to imagine she caught him by surprise. Tali went over to Ashley who smiled and posed for another holo.

Garrus smiled to himself; _Despite all the hardship she's gone through; the lack of a homeworld, life in an envirosuit, racist threats...she still manages to be the most cheerful and lively person on the ship. How does she do it?_

Tali shook Ashley's hand respectfully, then her eyes locked on Garrus. Mildly embarrassed, he quickly turned back to his work, partly hoping she would move on. It wasn't that he disliked her, he was just uncomfortable around cameras. Unsurprisingly, her bright voice chirped behind him:

"Hey Garrus! I was hoping I could get a holo of us...this is my last week here and I wanted something to remember my-my friends by."

He looked down and shook his head, amused.

"Alright, let's make it quick."

She bounced on her toes happily.

"Great! Let me just..."

She stood next to him and put her hand on his shoulder. Raising her left arm, a digital projection of what the camera saw was displayed in front of them.

"Smile!"

Despite the limitations of his stiff facial structure, the turian mustered up the best grin he could then was immediately blinded by yet another flash. Rubbing his eyes, he silently cursed and attempted to blink away the stars. Feeling arms wrapped around him in a hug, he looked up, still disoriented. Tali pulled away.

"Thanks Garrus, I'm going to miss you."

He nodded.

"I'll miss you too Tali, you've been a good friend. I hope the Flotilla is proud of you."

She paused for a few moments, scrutinizing him with her luminescent eyes.

"I...thank you Garrus. I hope so too. I uh...I need to see a few more people so, I'll talk to you a bit later. Thanks again for the holo."

"You're welcome Tali. Now then, I'd better get back to the Mako, the suspension needs some work before this thing is combat ready again."

As she walked towards the mass effect core, he noticed that her previously giddy walk had been replaced by a half-hearted gait. Perhaps she was more depressed about leaving than she let on. He knew she had built quite a rapport among the crew, and especially with Shepard. Much of the ship suspected that the two had feelings for each other that extended beyond friendship; he had seen it himself. Everyone was certain there were complex reasons for their mutual silence in this regard, though the knowledge that she would eventually leave and return to her people seemed to be the largest barrier in place. Garrus sighed, _It's a shame really, they get along so well...it's like they're inseparable._ _Come to think of it...where is the commander anyway?_

Shepard sighed despondently as he finalized his personal reference for Tali'Zorah nar Rayya. In it, he comprehensively detailed her service record on the SSV Normandy, specifically emphasizing her heroic actions against Saren, Sovereign, and the Geth they commanded, as well as her phenomenal combat performance and bravery on such harrowing missions as the Virmire assault and on the Prothean homeworld of Ilos.

A loud chirp on his omni-tool alerted him to the program's completion, and the holographic message "Report Completed. Send? Y/N" blinked in front of him. He buried his face in his hands, rubbing his temples, dreading the knowledge that the brilliant, beautiful and kind engineer would be departing from his crew in merely a week. Another alert sounded, reminding him of the open window. He lifted his finger slowly, hovering above the Y key for a few torturous seconds. After a few moments of contemplation, he shook his head, mind clear, and firmly pressed N for the time being. _I want her to read it first...to know how much I've appreciated her time here._

Closing his omni-tool, Shepard began chuckling to himself. She didn't ask for that report, nor was it even necessary for her to bring back to the Flotilla. Laughing harder now, he realized he had written it more for her than he had for the Admirality Board. _Oh Shepard...what have you gotten yourself into? _Mindful of the crew now casting wary glances at the undoubtedly unsettling image of a man laughing while sitting completely alone, he regained control of his emotions and allowed his face to return to its natural stoicism.

"You haven't been sneaking into the anti-depressants have you Shepard?"

He looked up to see Dr. Chakwas sit down with a tray of food, a wry smirk on her face. He returned the smile.

"Very funny Doc. Anything good for lunch today?"

Prodding her food with a fork, she pointed at a thick brown substance that looked like a meaty gelatinous paste. Raising an eyebrow, she winced slightly.

"Apparently, that's intended to be prime rib."

Shepard groaned, shaking his head at the fact that even modern military rations were of legendarily poor quality. Looking back at the doctor, he noticed that her eyes were fixated on him; she hadn't even touched her food.

"Everything alright?"

Putting her fork down, she leaned towards the commander.

"Truth be told Shepard, that's what I was going to ask you. I've noticed you've been uncharacteristically subdued as of late."

"I've just had some things on my mind. We've been through a lot lately; the fight against Sovereign, the Council refusing to believe us about the Reapers, Wrex leaving for Tuchanga...a lot has happened."

Chakwas nodded sympathetically.

"Indeed it has. And now, Tali's leaving. I get the feeling you're not looking forward to that."

"I'm not," Shepard sighed, "not at all. I understand why she has to go but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm tired of losing friends."

"And what makes you think you'll lose her friendship?"

"C'mon Chakwas, you know military life. Some friends die, others are transferred. We stay in contact with those we can, but as time passes and the distance grows, it's extremely difficult to keep a friendship going in those conditions."

"And yet, it's not impossible."

Shepard chuckled.

"You're quite the optimist Doc."

"I wouldn't be good at my job if I wasn't. Still, I've never known you to give up so easily."

Shepard reeled back, the raw accusation of those words sinking in. Chakwas continued to look at him with her piercing green eyes, apparently waiting for a response.

"Chakwas, I'm not giving up, I just...I owe her a lot. She's been an amazing friend. I don't want to lose that."

The two fell silent as Shepard hung his head, his mind swirling with emotion. Lost in his thoughts, he exhaled deeply, searching desperately for some semblance of clarity. The gentle touch of a medical glove woke him from his reverie and gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. Chakwas looked into his eyes, a kind smile brightening her pale face.

"Like I said, who says you have to lose it? It will take hard work and sacrifices on your part...but, I can see your feelings for her are genuine. I think you've got all the motivation you need."

Putting his other hand on top of hers, Shepard's face broke into a broad grin.

"Thanks Doc...that's just what I needed to hear."

"It's what I do Commander. Just make sure you talk to her..._really_ talk to her before she leaves. I think it will mean a lot."

"I'll talk to her today."

"Good luck, Shepard."

Filled with renewed energy, Shepard moved with purpose towards the elevator. As he reached the console, his stomach growled angrily, forcing him to pause. Shaking his head and laughing at the timing, he turned back to the mess and went to try and force down whatever was left.

_15 minutes later..._

_For artificial meat, that wasn't too terrible, _Shepard thought as he cleared his plate, _the rations seem to be improving lately._ Handing the tray to the cook, he heard the hydraulics of the elevator hiss and stop. Looking to see who arrived, his heart leapt in excitement as Tali routed the corner, bouncing slightly on her toes as she walked. Smiling as she approached, he noticed her eyes flash happily when she saw him. Practically skipping with nervous energy, she crossed the room and reached him in seconds.

"Hey Shepard!"

"Good to see you Tali." Shepard said, laughing, "you're full of life today aren't you?"

"I've just been having a good day. How's yours been?"

Seeing this conversation would take a while, he nodded to the nearby table and motioned for her to sit.

"It's been okay so far. Just finished some paperwork that I need to send out later, other than that though, not much going on. What have you been up to?"

"Sort of the same, actually. The Flotilla just sent me a message letting me know that my request to join the Neema has been approved. It's a highly respected ship among the fleet, I doubt I would have even had the courage to ask their captain were it not for the Geth data you gave me...Thanks again for that, by the way."

Shepard smiled, her excitement about the future hurting him more than he allowed to show.

"I'm happy for you Tali...I mean it."

Tali leaned in, squinting slightly. By the droop of her shoulders, he could tell she didn't believe him.

"Shepard, quarians are masters of reading body language...what's wrong?"

_Caught. Time to take Chakwas's advice..._

"To be honest Tali, I wish you didn't have to go. You have been a phenomenal part of the team, and an even better friend. It's hard to see you leaving."

Tali sat back in her seat, shocked mute by Shepard's candid explanation. To her complete surprise, his eyes were downcast and he looked almost nervous. She had never seen that from him before.

"I, uh...Shepard. I'm going to miss you too...very much. Maybe I-I could get the Admirals to allow you on board to visit...I would like that."

His head snapped up, his eyes much brighter than they were a moment ago. He let a small smile turn the corner of his mouth upward.

"You think they'd let me? I figured the Flotilla would be very restrictive in regards to outsiders."

"Ordinarily yes, we have to be for security. But, I think they could make a special exception for you...the rest of the crew as well if they want to. You _did_ help the Admiral's daughter you know."

"Hah, I guess I did...I would like that Tali."

The two shared a moment of silence as they looked into each others eyes. Realizing he was lingering a little too long, Shepard decided to quickly break the akward silence.

"Uh, speaking of the Admirals, I have something I wanted to send to them before you leave."

"Why would you need to do that? I already sent over the transfer documents and they've been approved. You don't need to do anything."

"No, no it's nothing like that. It's a letter of recommendation...regarding you."

"Wh-why did you do that?"

Sighing softly, Shepard stood up and walked to the other side of the table, next to her. She stood up as well, looking at him for answers.

"I know you didn't ask me to, hell, I know it's not even standard procedure, but I wanted them to know just how valuable you are as an engineer, a combat specialist...and as a person. It's finished, but I wanted you to see it first."

Tali continued looking at him in wide-eyed shock, completely disbelieving that he would have done something so unnecessary. Moving as though in a daze, she stood next to him and simply nodded in response. Pressing a few buttons, Shepard brought up the message and she began reading. _Standard fare so far...detailing accomplishments on Virmire and the Citadel. A little exaggerated_, she thought_, but much appreciated. Now then what's...oh Keelah_.

Shepard wrapped his arm around her shoulders as she read his letter to the Flotilla. She began to tremble as he held her tightly, finally getting an insight as to how much she meant to him. Choking back a sob, she turned to him, pale luminescent tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Shepard...I..."

Before she could say another word, he pulled her into a warm hug, letting her cry freely into his shoulder. Looking past her, Shepard caught a glimpse of Dr. Chakwas, who smiled warmly at the two of them.

"I am so proud of you Tali, of everything you've done. I couldn't have asked for a more loyal, caring person to join me, and it has been a privilege to have served with you. I wish you could stay with us...but I understand that your people need you."

She simply nodded into his shoulder, still crying softly. Shepard remained silent for a while, holding her a tight embrace, wishing he could tell her everything in one last-ditch attempt to get her to stay on the Normandy. His better judgment held him in check, the knowledge that she wanted to return and help her people being more than enough to force himself to let her leave.

As Tali's crying stopped, she pulled away from him, still sniffling.

"Shepard, I can't tell you how much that means to me...thank you. I am sure the Admirality Board will hold your words in high regard."

Shepard smiled.

"I meant everything. I'm glad you read it before I sent it."

"I am too." she said, eyes still wet. "Listen, I uh...I've been going through the ship, taking holos to remember everyone by. I know you said you'll visit...and I can't wait! But...would you take one with me?"

"You don't even need to ask, Tali"

Bouncing on her toes once more, she pulled him over to the wall and wrapped her arm around his back. Raising her other arm, she readied the camera.

"Smile, Shepard."

At the last moment, he put his arm on her shoulders and grinned. After a final beat, the memory evaporated in a brilliant silver flash...

Opening her eyes, Tali'Zorah sighed as her mind returned to present day. She sat up, feeling lightheaded from the vividness of her thoughts. That was one of her favorite memories, one she went back to any time she needed comfort. It...was also the last time she saw Shepard alive. She had gone back to engineering when the unidentified ship attacked the Normandy. The best day of her life had simultaneously become her worst and the conflicting emotions had nearly torn her apart. She spent two weeks with her close friends from the Normandy as they grieved together. She sighed; it was best to not focus on the negative. She had been trying to move on, and she was getting close. Still, she knew she would never forget.

Still groggy, she stumbled slightly as she walked over to her computer. Booting it up, she loaded up a very special document; the exact message Shepard had shown to her that day:

_To: Daro'Xen, Han'Gerrel, Zaal'Koris, Rael'Zorah_

_ Subject: Letter of Recommendation for Tali'Zorah nar Rayya_

_ Message: _

_ Honorable Admirals of the Migrant Fleet,_

_ My name is John Shepard, the first human Spectre and a Systems-Alliance Marine. As you are no doubt aware by now, Tali'Zorah of the Rayya joined my team on the Normandy SR-1 four months ago. We were tasked with tracking down and eliminating a rogue agent, Saren Arterius, to answer for his treasonous crimes against the galaxy. Were it not for Miss 'Zorah and her evidence skillfully retrieved from a Geth's memory core, we never would have convinced the Council of Saren's betrayal, and the galaxy as we know it would no longer exist. _

_ Beyond that, she is the most highly skilled engineer I have ever had the pleasure of working with in my life, even with cutting edge, classified technology. She kept the Normandy running flawlessly throughout her time with us. _

_ In addition to her engineering expertise, her proficiency in combat is exceptionally impressive as well. On such physically demanding missions such as the Virmire facility assault and the battle for the Citadel, she never backed down and proved herself to be a valuable member of my fireteam. I couldn't have asked for a better soldier to provide supporting fire, and I'd be lying if I said her familiarity with Geth interfaces didn't prove to be a lifesaver in many hostile environments. _

_ There's one more thing I wanted to add. I've already explained how valuable she was as an asset...but that pales in comparison to who she is as a person. I have never met someone as naturally selfless and likable as her and I'll likely never find another. On the ship, she was always a bright spirit. Whether she was telling jokes or just being social, damn near everyone on the ship loved to be around her. Even on the ground, her pleasant demeanor rarely faltered. She helped to keep our spirits high, an invaluable quality on high stress missions. _

_ After serving with her for near five months now, I have an immense amount of respect for Tali. I am grateful to have spent this time with her on her pilgrimage, and I hope that what she found on our travels will prove valuable to the future of the Migrant Fleet. I'm sad to see her depart us, but I take solace in knowing that she'll once again be among her people, working for the benefit of the quarian race. _

_ Thank you for your time Admirals, and please take care of her. _

_ Respectfully, _

_ Commander John Shepard_

_ N7 Alliance Marine_

_ SSV Normandy SR-1_

As she read the final lines, her vision began to waver. Attempting to stop the rapidly-forming tears, she forced several deep breaths in the hopes of controlling her emotions. Realizing her efforts were in vain, she slammed her fist through the holographic keyboard and allowed the repressed torrent of despair to burst through. Her body heaved with deep, powerful sobs as white-hot tears tracked across the sensitive skin on her face. Pushing her chair away and collapsing on the floor, her muscles tightened painfully as her weeping intensified. As her mind lost all sense of inhibition, memories of her lost friend flooded her consciousness. Indescribable agony swept through her body as the wonderful thoughts she dared not to think melded with the waves of anguish coursing through her mind, threatening to drown her in a deluge of tears she could never wipe away. Burying her head in her chest, she cried. She cried not only for Shepard, but for the loss of the unspoken promise between them to always be together, no matter the struggle.

As the physical and emotional pain spread through her body, her watery vision faded to black and in the darkness, the only sound left was that of her grieving. As her world closed in around her, she had never felt so alone.


End file.
